How to smoke a brisket

Step 1- go to butcher and get biggest one they have.

Step 2- when you get home drop it from an unnecessary height on to the table so it makes a loud bang, scares the shit out of everyone and establishes your dominance as a hunter gatherer.

Step 3- slap meat further establishing your dominance.

Step 4- pour drink.

Step 5- tell wife to come look at your meat. Chuckle at your comic genius.

Step 6- trim brisket. Pretend you know what you're doing. Pour another drink.

Step 7- season brisket with some spicy combination that has salt pepper and garlic slapping meat several times for good measure. 

Step 8- inject it with salted beef broth.

Step 9- try wrapping with plastic wrap. Fail miserably because plastic wrap is stupid and whoever invented it deserves a slow painful death. Ask wife for help and somehow yet again she coaxes it into doing what she wants. 

Step 10- place in refrigerator for 24 to 48 hours.

Step 11- fast forward to somewhere between 6:00 and 8:00 in the morning.

Step 12- remove brisket from refrigerator slap meat one more time for old times sake. Remove plastic wrap and place brisket in smoker at 225°.

Step 13- crack beer because it would just be irresponsible  to start drinking hard liquor before noon.

Step 14- fall asleep watching TV in recliner.

Step 15- wake up in a panic! Rush outside and check pellet level in Hopper and temperature of brisket.

Step 16 - all is well and it's past noon! Pour drink.

Step 17- when brisket stalls out around 160-165 degrees wrap it in foil or butcher paper. Do not let your wife see you do this or she'll ask you to do something dumb like wrap Christmas presents. Turn smoker up to 275 degrees.

Step 28 - more drinking! Also since you can't slap the brisket when the wife walks by sneak a good one in on the derriere. This is romantic, she will think it is romantic promise. You are Romeo, god of love and smoker of delicious meats.

Step 49- time to prep cooler for resting the brisket. Gather up all of your wives very best high quality towels. You know the fancy ones that are for decoration yeah those ones. They hold heat the best. Layer those in the cooler. 

Step 94- when brisket hits 203° in the point end toss it in the cooler and throw more towels on top.

Step 622-inform everybody that the brisket is done and revel in the looks of disappointment on their faces when you tell them that it has to rest for at least an hour in the cooler and a half an hour on the cutting board. Keep them from starting a mutiny by not just pouring yourself a drink but poor drinks for everyone!

Step 1,346 - cut and serve brisket. make sure to show everybody how moist It is by squishing it and watching juices run out.

Step 2,359 - gorge till you put yourself into a meat and alcohol induced coma.

Step 6,888 - buy the wife new towels. Possibly remodel a bathroom if she wants.


Courtesy of Paul Vittow / Smoking Meat